Over the last few years I have been on a journey. Ive been tired of the typical spirals I find myself in. Life is going well and something, it doesn't have to be much, brings me into a spiral where I feel out of control and I "freak out." Usually this is all based on some fear, usually of what I don't know. It all eventually fades over time but its a hard ride and can get ugly. The next cycle could trigger faster or slower, but I am always beholden to it because nothing is changing to stop it. I just keep living and the cycle continues. Seems to be the way of things you don't tend to. They don't change.
Over the last few years I have been fed up with that and started on a new thing. My new deal with myself is to stay tuned to myself, my thoughts, emotions and different senses as much as I can as often as I can. It has really changed my life but that doesn't mean I don't cycle into a bad zone. Its just that now, I cycle into fear and freak outs way less than before and they also typically don't last as long.
What helps me not go to into a spiral is reminding myself of who I am and what I am about. Often times as I live I take on other peoples fears, priorities or tendencies. If everyone in a room is scared, because I want to empathize I join them in that fear. Wherein empathy is good, I don't need to join them in being scared to empathize. Returning back to myself with the thought that I can be present for someone without joining them is important. I am getting better at this, but I haven't mastered it yet. Its hard when you care about someone to not take on what they are going though.
I ride the bus. Its about an hour one way. Every morning I breathe and remind myself of what matters. I remind myself that I am me and not something else. Like the bus itself. I'm just riding on it. Its important to note this for myself because often I think I take on what I am doing. Like my job. The job is not me, its just an extension of me. I am not my boss, we are partners and we relate. He has his priorities, I have mine, often they intersect but I am me, not them. Important to note because when I take on other peoples priorities or values I lose sight of what I am about that that is simply not a sustainable path. I can respect you without being you. Hard to remind myself of that sometimes.
Breathing and noting the physical world helps too. You are a person in a larger world. When I walk down the sidewalk on the way to the bus I notice the leaves on the trees blowing in the wind. Stopping to look around reminds me that there is life outside my immediate thoughts and emotions. The wind will still blow through a tree even though Ive had a terrible day. If I have a good day that squirrel will still find an acorn. Something seems beautiful to me about that and it helps when I lose connection to where I live.
Breathing and noting that I have feet is useful I find. Sounds silly, but if my feet are hot and I am thirsty it could lead me into a mood faster than if I tended to those things. I don't simply live in my head all day as I am an entire person, feet, hands, legs, head and all. Its odd to think about when you don't but we are more than conversations and thoughts. I find it good to connect with my humanity, if just to note it from time to time.
Finally I need to realize how lucky I am. I have a good job and a good relationship. I am about 10 pounds too large so I have enough food :) And I can pretty much do whatever I want. Its a great life. Realizing that and being thankful helps bring it all full circle. What I have been working on for the last few years isn't mad wealth, although that would be nice. Its trying to clear all the barriers to life that leave me fearful, angry, lonely and unfulfilled. And I believe to find the answer to all of those emotions and thoughts I need to start on me. Because nothing blocks those things more than the guy typing up this post. I believe thats where we all need to start this journey, realizing that the only person that can make your life better is just one. You.
Nice one, dude.
ReplyDelete